Late last night, I returned home from my spring break vacation. It was a nice vacation, bookended by lots of waiting. At any rate, I got to do a good deal of reading and a ton of thinking and relaxing and resetting … all of this without as many distractions as I have at home. At first, I found it difficult to quiet my mind, but reading provided an escape, which was great!
I finished reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. It was an excellent read and I’m positive that no book has made me reflect on my own life and motivations as much as this book did. It’s a must-read for any of you who have been raised in a Christian home, or even those of you who have not. I just can’t say enough about it. I’m probably going to read it again. I loved it.
I’ll try not to ruin the book for those of you who may actually read it (if you don’t want to buy it, you can borrow it if I see you on a regular basis and you promise to return it). But, since I read the majority of this book during this past week, I feel the need to reflect in writing, so as to gather and solidify my thoughts. I offer no guarantee that the following makes sense. It is mostly written in a sort of stream of consciousness.
What motivates me? As the oldest of three girls and as a preacher’s daughter and by virtue of my own personality, I’ve come to the conclusion that I, like so many of us, seek the favor of others entirely too much. I want people to like me, of course. I want to impress people with kind actions and warm smiles and good deeds. Not that kind actions, warm smiles or good deeds are bad things in and of themselves, but I wish I could say that the only reason I did them was so that Christ would be glorified. My reasons, however: (1) to make others feel better; and (2) to look like I’m doing a “good job” being a Christian. Saddens me, this does. How did I let this happen? How did my motivations turn from Christ-centered to me-/people-centered? Were they ever Christ-centered or did I just think they were? I guess this isn’t the worst problem to have, but I want to do better always. This is a problem, too, though. DO. Doing doesn’t solve the root of the problem. Is my heart really in total awe and love with Christ/God/Holy Spirit? I mean, I love Him. But Miller’s words in his book really shed a different light on this romance going on–this desire God has to change our names to “loved.” The last chapter alone had me spell-bound. Love. The Fall. Love. I feel like I’ve been wrong all along, which is okay because, like Miller says, it’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about loving Him. Aside from actions. With our whole heart. Purely. Passionately. …and I feel that, at times, I suck. No, really. I fail miserably sometimes. We all do; I know. I hate that I look around me for validation instead of really looking for validation and more from God, Himself. I must ask myself: How do I make this change? What can I do to really be sure that my kindness is not purely to please others or even to please myself, but to please my Love? I want to bring people to Him, afterall, not to me… definitely not to me.