I came to a sad realization, today. Despite the fact that I seem to have high expectations of others, I really don’t.
Let me explain:
In kindergarten, I made friends with Jamie. We were best friends until this other chick, Erin, came along during the summer after third grade. Jamie decided she wanted to be Erin’s friend instead of mine. Then, in fourth grade, I made friends with another girl, who later decided she wanted to hang out with another clan of girls and not be my friend anymore. Next, Crystal decided to move on and have a baby and a husband and leave me behind, half of which she didn’t tell me about until afterwards. Then, there was Bran. We lost touch when we went away to college and, despite my efforts, we have not gotten back in solid touch, nor have we seen one another since about my sophomore year of college. Heather ditched me for a boyfriend. Other types of relationships have failed in the past, too. Most of the people I’ve trusted have taken advantage of that trust, used it for a rug, and I’ve felt as though I should continue in hopes that things would change.
That’s the basic run down of my history of friends before college, give or take a few stories. I don’t tell these stories to say that I harbor ill feelings about any of them. In elementary school, most of us were jerks at one point or another. In high school, we were so selfish that we hurt one another to make ourselves feel better in some way. We all make mistakes. Life is life and I haven’t always been a perfect friend, either.
Always, though, Christ has been there for me. He has been a rock in the midst of all of life’s storms–all of the crap people, some of whom were/are His children, have put me through. He has washed me clean. What I’m talking about here is purely human to human friendships.
I say all of this about my friendship histories to support a fact about me: I have lots of hope that friends won’t let me down, but I still expect them to do so; without fail, they will drop me like I’m hot (and I am). I expect to get close to someone just in time for them to move away from me, find a new friend, replace me with something/one else, forget about me when they start dating someone special, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I hang out with friends and just wait for them to find something better than me. Something more interesting. Something else to love. I expect to get comfortable with a friend just in time for them to be removed from my life like a rug ripped from under my feet. I am often left confused, with a feeling of less-ness.
Today, though, just before I really realized (possibly re-realized) this about myself, I was sitting at Freck’s graduation party, talking to Melinda, who I’ve known longer than almost any non-family member I have (first, she was my high school math teacher, then my piano teacher, then we met for lunch during my college breaks, and now I’m going to be joining the church her husband pastors on June 8th… we have some real history, you could say). Anyway, she was telling me that she probably has to go to South Carolina at some point this next week, the state from whence she hails, to see her dad because he is having surgery on Wednesday. She said all of that to tell me that the plans we have for next Saturday may fall through, which is completely understandable. Then, she realized that, if she stays in SC for the whole weekend, she’d miss me joining the church that Sunday. And she didn’t want to miss that. Not at all.
I don’t know why,
but that really touched me.
I don’t believe I even responded.
I was just touched.
And speechless.
Unexpectedly speechless.
It’s strange to think that I trust her more than, well, about anyone I can think of right now, and that despite this, I guess I was still waiting for her to prove to me that one day she’d find someone else to love more than me… and all of that which I said above. I mean, realistically, I may not always see her as much as I do now; she may not always play the active role in my life as she does now. Ministering families move around at differing intervals and who knows what is in my future. I could find a husband and move out of state …or, worse, to another area of Kentucky! At any rate, she gives me hope that there are people–well, at least one person–who loves against the norm. Real hope. Intentional friendship. But her attitude goes against the norm that I’ve experienced; she shows me that, even if we geographically move apart in some way, it won’t be because she’s decided stop caring about me–to love me less.
I am still programed to doubt this, despite all signs pointing elsewise. Sad.
I don’t expect real love, do I? Instead, I expect love to have an expiration date. I know that no one really deserves love, but that we’re supposed to love one another anyway. I don’t claim to be a person who has figured out how to love the right way, or the perfect way. The number one place where I fail at this is work. I know this. Oh, do I know this! I do try, though; I think we should make others feel special–loved. We should show others that they are important in one way or another.
I’m glad to have found a friend who, at least on a human level, has shown me that there is hope out there: hope for real and genuine friendship.
God, help me to pour into others the way you have poured into me through another vessel which you have beautifully made. In your name I continually pray…