It seems that I’ve been finding myself anxious more often these days than ever before. I mean the impatient sort of anxious. Like, I should be doing a whole lot of somethings that I am not doing. When I stop and think about it, I think of all these goals that I have in the areas of finances, education, literature, life experiences, romance, and spirituality. I’d like to pay off all of my debt, get yet another degree, read all the books on my mental list, gain life experiences beyond those of most people my age, fall in love and get married, and spend more time talking to God and loving Him. I have more debt than I wish to admit to. There’s no way I could afford another degree at this point. There are too many books to read. There are only so many life experiences a single, morgage-bound, 24-year-old girl could have. There are no guys around here, it seems, and I guess I should stop forcing anything and just let whatever happens happen. And, while I have a lot further to go, I have come a long way in my walk with Christ and I still continue. Still, there are times when anxiety can seem overwhelming.
Why the anxiety, then?
Here’s what I have decided: (a) Hanging out with real adults–adults who have checked many of these goals off their list–makes me think that I should be at the same place in my life. Which is crazy. (b) I’ve never been at this place in my life before, of course. I’m graduating for the last time that I have to. I feel like I should have something else planned–something lined up to do next. It’s one of the strangest places I’ve ever been in my life.
The two most overwhelming causes of my anxiety have been related to the finances and romance–well, the lack of both. Financial issues will eventually work themselves out so long as I’m patient and diligent. The other cause… well, that one I have almost zero control over. So, too, it will require patience and, I suppose, diligent dating, despite my dislike for dating around. Blech. Even the thought of it makes me pukey.
Overall, though, I strongly believe that, if I can refocus on Christ the way I used to be focused on Christ, I’d have none of this anxiety junk. …Ah, the craziness.