Gosh, just a few weeks ago I had so much bitterness in my heart that I don’t know how it was still beating at all. I don’t know how my heart hadn’t become hardened to the point where I couldn’t feel. I think back on those days and … wow. I am still so thankful for the way God has changed my heart.
More than that, I’m thankful for the way He has spread my testimony to people I don’t know.
Anyway, that bitterness… it’s a powerful tool. In my case, I still loved God as best I could, but I was so bitter. So bitter that I am fully confident and aware that I wasn’t loving God the way I should have been. So bitter. Some who read this understand. For me, it was like part of my heart wanted to love and the other part screamed warnings constantly at the first part for what may happen if I did indeed love. These warnings were of possible rejection, confusion, wrong intentions, backstabbers, and other unexplainable things. Sometimes the screaming part seemed bigger and stronger than the part that wanted to love. In fact, most of the time it did. As painful as it was to hold on to that bitterness, I had grown used to it. I thought that I was just going to have to cope with the bitterness; learn to get around it or live with it, perhaps. It was just always going to be there, it seemed.
But, woah! Not true.
Ya’ know, I think about all of these authors who write books with titles like: How to Find the Perfect Tissue for Your Nose Type or Five Easy Steps to a Ridiculously Fabulous, Carefree Lifestyle. I can’t help but think of these types of books. I mean, who are they kidding? These tiered programs can’t fit every person. We’re all too different for that kind of thing. Some guy out there probably has a nose that requires a tissue not yet created. Also, many times, we don’t even know ourselves enough to realize if that saught-after end result is really what we want or if it just sounds good because great Aunt Sally mentioned it once at Thanksgiving dinner when you were twelve. There’s rarely going to be a step-by-step solution to life’s really tough problems. (But, it’s possible there are step-by-step solutions for things like fixing a toilet or boiling an egg.)
Like this bitterness thing.
I remember hearing people say, “You’ve just got to let go of it and let God take care of it.” Of course, to a certain extent, that is true. Of course of course of course. But, how does a person get to the point where they can “let go”? That, my friends, is different for everyone. For some, it starts with a prayer: “God, please purify my thoughts toward these people or this situation.” Then, as was the case for me, God does. Immediately and miraculously. For others, though, it is a gradual process; many steps are required and these steps can only be prescribed by God Himself.
I wish I could write a book that would tell everyone who is hurting how to rid themselves of bitterness.
But I can’t.
And I won’t.
Because bitterness is too complex and deeply ingrained in a heart for a mere mortal like me to truly explain. …at least this late at night. But I’ve felt it. And it is a mighty and strong force that leads to a whole other mess of evils.
Dang, you, Bitterness!
Thank You, Jesus, for Your purifying power. Thanks for the way You soften hardened hearts and calm troubled souls. Thank You for hearing the very screams of our hearts and seeing the tears we shed when no one is looking. You are True Friend. You are. Thank You, thank You, thank You for Your overflowing Joy, which displaces all evil and sin in our hearts.
My, oh, my! Thank You for being real.
YOU ARE! <><