I used to consider myself a brave person.
I went away for school to a college where I had no friends—a
college that was going to cost a lot and I didn’t exactly know how all
the finances would work out. But I was a brave 18-year-old and took the risk, anyway.
I bought my very own house during spring of 2007. I
began living alone, paying all the bills that come with living alone. This
was/is a huge responsibility and intimidating to most; I was courageous.
I often shop by myself, sometimes even after dark.
This is a risky thing to do for a small girl like me.
Now, though, I think I’ve fooled myself into thinking
that I’ve taken all the risks I should have to take in life. I
risked my reputation at a challenging, liberal arts school; I risked my safety by
moving out on my own; and I risked my financial well-being by taking on a full
load of bills on my own.
There are still risks to be taken. There are still
fears to be faced. And I’m a chicken.
Bawk. Bawk.
Hello, my name is Rebecca and I’m a coward. [And
the crowd says, “Hello, Rebecca.”]
I’m scared of many things right now: taking a good,
hard look at my heart and my relationship with Christ; falling in love [which
is an entirely different blog that you don’t get to read: sorry]; the
possibility of changing the plans I’ve had most of my life; being alone the rest of my life.
I know it’s absurd, but for about a second or two months
there, I thought I was finished taking risks in my life—finished with the
whole going-out-on-a-limb thing. What an asinine thought! Can you
imagine a life without taking risks? How boring! How
unrewarding! How unchallenging! ..How boring!
From my experience, risks have yielded the most rewarding
outcomes. I graduated from that college with amazing friends [more than a
sorority’s worth of ‘em] and a half-way decent GPA; compared to
most graduates, my student loan balances aren’t that high. I love living
alone [most of the time]. I hold my own, financially, and have even made
some awesome steps toward paying off my modestly outrageous debt [yes, I just
used an oxymoron of sorts]. I have some sort of basic sense of security,
despite recent financial theft at work and a foolish prank pulled at my
homestead by two mischievous ones.
But I feel like a chicken. Which makes me angry with
myself. And causes great impatience within me. Ah, the domino
effect.
Last night, at Bible study, Beth Moore pointed out that it’s okay for us to be scared, so long as we still obey God and follow His will. This comforts me. I will follow His will despite momentary fears.
God, help me.
Your boring comment and your Beth Moore reference made me think of something Beth Moore said at her conference last month. She was talking about how we’re heirs of Christ and she jokingly quoted Paris Hilton who said that the greatest sin an heiress can commmit is to be boring. It’s funny just because it’s Paris Hilton talking about not committing some sort of sin and the thought that being boring would be the greatest sin. The more I thought about it, the more I think being boring is closer to sinning than we may think. We are made in the image of a creative God who calls us to take great risks in following him. Why would any obedient Christian be boring?So, yeah…you can be scared but if you’re obedient and you’re taking those risks, you’ll never be boring. 🙂 Hope that’s some comfort to you. Love you!~Rachel
Yeah, I think I remember her saying that, now that you mention that. Was this the simulcast she did from Louisville, Kentucky? I viewed that at a local church. Thanks for the comment! 🙂