I shouldn’t still be awake. I should be sound asleep so I’m fresh for my date in the morning with the man who makes me melt.
But I am. Awake, that is. And thinking about the source(s) of my security.
I think of myself as a moderately secure person. I have a healthy level of confidence, although many of my closest peeps say I should have more. I go for goals with much ambition. I think I’m attractive and kind. I don’t think I’m perfect, but, when I’m not being too hard on myself, I think that I’m a good person who is making strides toward a closer walk with God.
But tonight, my awesome friend told me, rather mater of factly, that I need to get my security from God, then let the other details work themselves out.
You see, I’ve had my life planned out since I was about ten years old. I was going to graduate high school, go to college, get a job, move out on my own and live alone for at least a year, then get married (after dating one year, then being engaged for one year), then wait a few years before producing exactly two children. I’m still on track for this plan that I discussed with God back in the day. Meanwhile, I am definitely finding too much security in my plans working out. I’m basing my self-worth on the fact that I have [with the help of God, of course] gotten my education out of the way and have been able to stay afloat on my own financially for a measly year and a half.
Security.
Somehow and at some point, I began placing my trust in my success, my plans, –myself. Oh, I shudder. A terrible idea, that is.
And, suddenly, I’m feeling a little insecure. I’m wrong. I’m weak. My arms and legs are flailing in the darkness.
Naively, my former security seemed good while it lasted. I regret that I wasted so much time bound to my own [lack of] strength.
I’ve wanted to be strong; I’ve tried to be brave; I’ve desired to persevere.
I’m exhausted. Physically; emotionally; mentally.
It’s time for me to ask God to be my security. It’s time to reconsider the Source of Security.
Christ as the Source can only result in strength and courage–as Christ is to be my strength and courage. Christ is many things to me. Right now, though, I need Him to be my Source of Security.